I weigh less than my mom :)

That has honestly never happened.

I need to know just how you feel, to comfort you.
I need to find the key to let me in, into your heart, to find your soul.

Let's take the train to anywhere, I wanna feel the wind in my hair with you.
Let's tell them all, that soon they'll know how very wrong they were to think we'd never go.

I think I realized just in time, although my old self was hard to find,
you can bathe me in your finest wine but I'll never give you mine
'cause I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys.

Time has changed nothing at all, you're still the only one that feels like home.

You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified.
The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die, and I was once there,
hanging from that very ledge where you are standing. So, yes. I know that it's easier to let go.

But will you draw the line? Will you turn a blind eye to all faces that you know and say go?

We will only need each other, we'll breathe together, our hands will not be taught to
hold another's when we're the special two, and we could only see each other,
we'll bleed together. These arms will not be taught to need another.

They weren't there beneath your stare, and they weren't stripped until they were bare
of any bindings from the world outside that room, and they weren't taken by the hand
and led through fields of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away.

You sighed, and I was lost in you. Weeks could've past for all I knew.

I don't know what I've done, or if I like what I've begun but something told me to run.
And honey, you know me; it's all or none.

I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you, all I know is that I should
because she will love you more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood.

I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call.
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all,
but you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you, this is what I have to do.

I would've shouted loud and broken through, I would've given it all to belong to you.

Update, showgirls.

Was I ever truly over him? At one time I was sure that the answer was yes.
But if seeing him again - and merely touching his hand -
could peel back so many layers of my heart, then did I ever stop loving him
the way you’re supposed to stop loving everyone but the one you’re with?

Take one breath and then take another.
Repeat these simple steps until you feel like you’re doing better.
Take one breath.
Let the calm of it consume you.

Everybody knows that it’s never fair.

He was the first, the only love in her life,
and in a nature like hers such passions take deep root and die-hard.

Humans are the only animal that blushes, laughs, has religion, wages war,
and kisses with lips. So in a way, the more you kiss with lips, the more human you are.

I did not need to know if he could love me. I needed to know if he could need me.

When I picked up the phone I realized that out of the billions of people on the planet,
you were the one I wanted to speak to the most. It was like the deepest part of me
took control and said what it felt, unafraid of embarrassment or rejection or any of
that other stuff that normally leaves me paralyzed with fear. I didn’t think. I just was.

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters
who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.

So much of the language of love was like that: you devoured someone with your eyes,
you drank in the sight of him, you swallowed him whole.
Love was sustenance, broken down and beating through your bloodstream.

Falling in love with her felt that way. I felt strange things going on inside me,
and I knew that these weren’t things I would recover from. These were changes that
were shaping the way things were going to be, and I wouldn’t find out how until later.

In some ways we grow up. We have families, we get married, divorced, but for the most part,
we still have the same problems that we did when we were fifteen. No matter how much
we grow taller, grow older, we are still forever stumbling, forever wondering, forever young.

Gah, update.

Today is my ex-boyfriend's birthday. So, Louis, if you still read this. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope it goes as great as you want.

I worked over an eight hour shift, and I didn't even come home annoyed which shows how much I honestly love my job. :) HAVE A GREAT AND SAFE WEEKEND.

P.S. like 25 inches of snow within the past 2 days. D:

______________________________________________

Begin each day as if it were on purpose.

I need to pour out this expansive dose of words I can't explain. I need to be alone.
I know the timing isn't great, but these things, you just can't plan.
I just need a little time so I can find myself again 'cause I get buried underneath all the
things they think you are. And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out.
I had a pocket full of dreams, but I gave them all to you. Now I think I want them
back so can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused? Don't ever change the way you are.
I've never loved anyone more, okay?

Last night I fell in love without you.
The stars at night aren't as big and bright as you make them out to be.
And every aching wound will cauterize and bruise in memory of what we used to call in love.

I've held it all together, but a night like this is begging me to fall apart.

I know a girl who cries when she practices violin because each note sounds so pure it just cuts into her,
and then the melody comes pouring out her eyes. Now, to me, everything else just sounds like a lie.

I don't like it when someone tells me something about myself that I haven't yet realized.
If I lack the courage to tell myself something revealing, I am not ready to hear it from someone else.

If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a problem.

Everything else is inconvenience.

The perfect words never crossed my mind because there was nothing in there but you.

The thought of him makes my heart ache. I can't stop thinking of the last time I saw him.
His large, brown eyes filled with some emotion I couldn't read, and how it left me feeling
strangely empty and wanting. I went through a pretty intense experience.
I met a lot of darkness inside and met it head on.
I came out with a decision to live that was very compelling.

And I wanted to write about that.

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like the only other choice was falling down.

And if this is the soundtrack, my mind and my broken heart collaborate to provide me with the movie - that night she was so tired she said she needed to lie down, so she climbed over the seat and laid out in the back. I thought I'd lost her, but then five minutes later my cell phone rang and it was her, calling me from my own backseat. In a sleepy voice she told me how safe and comfortable she felt, how she was remembering all those late-night drives back from vacation, and how she'd stretch herself out and feel like her parents were driving her bed, nothing unusual about the movement of the road under the wheels and the tree branches waving across the windshield. She said those moments made her feel like the car was home, and maybe that's how I made her feel, too. Eventually she fell asleep, but I kept the phone against my ear, lulled by her breathing, and her breathing again in the background. And yes, it felt like home. Like everything belonged exactly where it was.

RANT. Update sometime this weekend :)

It's been snowing here nonstop since Monday night. Seriously. I went to step out into the snow. It went about 4-5 inches ABOVE my knee! I'm 5'5" so that's a bit high. ): It bothers me. Then I went to the other side of my house and it went up to my window! My window is like, 2 feet off the ground. I'm so bothered by it. I need some warmwarmwarm weather where snow just doesn't happen. AUSTRALIA? Gah, their accents are hot.

YO, A KIND OF UPDATE. Check it. Subscribe? :)

hey, i wanna tell you something. because if i don't get this off my chest i am going to punch myself in the heart because that is the place you have hurt me so deeply in the bloody pumping vitals pumping to the rest of my body - my heart. it is 10:30 in los angeles and once again you have hurt me.
i have called you, gramma. and you did not pick up the phone. and i do not understand how a grown woman doesn't know when the device with its loud jingling jangling jingle that you should PICK IT THE HELL UP. yet once again i am forced to scream at my grandmother because she is an old, severely obtuse, fosilized pain in my ass.
this is not the first time that this has happened either. it has happened over and over and over and over again. i have sat here all night and i was forced to watch crappy television police chase crap, dancing with people, 30 rock waiting for youuuu to pick up the flipping flopping flogging telephone.
i am going to get on a plane. i am going to get on a plane and i am gonna come back there and i'm going to whip your wrinkly assss into shape and i don't care if you are 97 years old, 96 years old, or if you're an old person and if you do whatever you want despite what your mother would probably say about it if she were alive and i want you to know, gramma, that i am exhausted with playing this game with you. THIS MESSAGE is to tell you you have insulted and you have offended me for the last time. you have abused me for the laaaaaaast time. you have displeased me for the LAST time with your crusty crap.
i'm flying back there and i'm going to fix this craphouse and make you understand that i am the god of things that should be done on time when they say they should be done because i said it. this is no jitterbug poodleskirt-wearing enchanted under the sea dance good time charlie moment, oldy mcgee. this is a new constitution and i am going to sign it with a pencil THAT I MAKE out of your broken bones that i pull from your ancient arms.
yes, i'm flying back there THIS FRIDAY, the 20th, to blast you with my gamma-ray and then disect the pieces of those pieces and put those pieces in a pile and then i'm going to rent an AH64 longbow apache gunship and it's going to do a flyby and it's going to spray everything it's got at you; its mother load, its DAY X macheda of terror, to obliterate your already shreaded corpse to smithereens and if nothing else, i am going to let you know how dissapointed i am that you have done this to me again and again, my grandmother.
but there is nothing GRAND about this one. you stinky shitface. you stinky shitface. they should change it from grandmother to fuckmother; that is what you have done to me. not just my day, you have fucked up my life, my career, my afterlife plans. also you have destroyed the idea of me having ever existed on this planet or any other by not picking up the phone when i commanded it like moses or any other DJ at the disco requesting everyone to put their hands in the air and wave them like they just don't care. but you don't even wave your hands in the air like he asked because you skipped right to the part where you just don't care. and this happens over and over and over again. do you understand me? i'm gonna rearrange your face, and your furniture so when you come into your living room you are SO confused, SO disoriented that you sit on the armoir and put your cup of tea on the thing with the thing.
and i want you to know that when i get into your aging face what a RUDE, moldy, mumbling, little devil-like citizen you are. you're rude, not just a pig, but the wolf that comes to eat the pig and in doing so ruins their homes and industry.
you, you, you, YOU! you do this to me and i'm going to straighten your rheumatoid arthritis hands and feet back out. do you hear me, gramma?